The topics for this week’s puns and one liners is gambling jokes. I should add that I’m not much of a gambler; the biggest wagers I seem to make are playing 2p machines at seaside resorts, so I am far from an expert in the topic. As normal, these come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality…

I make a bet with a local farmer each year as to which lamb will jump highest. I like a gambol.

45 Amusing Christmas Jokes - Funny jokes to make you merry! Last Updated: 8th July 2020. Funny or bad christmas jokes are a key moment of the festive season. Here are a bunch of the best jokes to keep you merry this christmas! What happens to elves when they behave naughty? Santa gives them the sack. What kind of music do elves listen to? A collection of gambling jokes and gambling puns. Enjoy these hilarious and funny gambling jokes. We've collected the best of gambling jokes and puns just for you.

Got asked to leave the casino the other night. They said I had a chip on my shoulder.

How do you become a millionaire through gambling? Start as a billionaire.

I’m going to an Abba themed poker night. The winner takes it all.

Lost money betting with with one of the big cats at the zoo. Think he was a cheetah.

Did well at strip poker the other night. I played my socks off.

I gambled on a giraffe race the other day. Mine came second. Lost by a neck. It was nowhere near.

I took a gamble and bought a small boat without seeing it first. It was a punt.

I used to love eating chips until I got barred from the casino.

I bet on a horse at 10-1. It didn’t come in until half past three.

Walking down the road earlier and I tripped over a sign from the local betting shop. What are the odds on that?

A friend of mine keeps insisting on skipping through flower meadows. I think he has a gamboling problem.

Why are large maps rubbish at playing poker? They always fold.

Last week’s snooker jokes are here.

If you like these gambling jokes, have a look here for an alphabetical list of joke topics.

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A good sports quote has the ability to inspire, to make you laugh, to challenge you to see the world in a new way. While some athletes have been veritable quote machines — we have an entire collection of Yogi Berra quotes — others may wait an entire career to say one line that can inspire fans around the globe.

Below we will look at 40 of the greatest quotes ever from the world of sports. Some are funny, some are inspirational, plenty are about winning and losing. Whether you’re working on a speech or just looking for a little pearl of wisdom to help you navigate a tough time, hopefully there is something here for you. Enjoy these quotes.

Inspirational Sports Quotes

1. “If you have everything under control, you’re not moving fast enough.” — Mario Andretti

2. “During my 18 years I came to bat almost 10,000 times. I struck out about 1,700 times and walked maybe 1,800 times. You figure a ballplayer will average about 500 at-bats a season. That means I played sever years without ever hitting the ball.” — Mickey Mantle

3. “I’ve been in the twilight of my career longer than most people have had their career.” — Martina Navratilova

4. “Just take the ball and throw it where you want to. Throw strikes. Home plate don’t move.” — Satchel Paige

5. “I became a good pitcher when I stopped trying to make them miss the ball and started trying to make them hit it.” — Sandy Koufax

6. “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” — Michael Jordan

7. “It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get up.” — Vince Lombardi

8. “Do not let what you can not do interfere with what you can do.” — John Wooden

9. “If you aren’t going all the way, why go at all?” — Joe Namath

10. “You are never really playing an opponent. You are playing yourself, your own highest standards, and when you reach your limits, that is real joy.” — Arthur Ashe

Funny Sports Quotes

11. “I love me some me.” — Terrell Owens

12. “Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row.” — Vitas Gerulaitis, upon beating Jimmy Connors after 16 consecutive losses to him

13. “I should be a postage stamp. That’s the only way I’ll ever get licked.” — Muhammad Ali

14. “I heard Tonya Harding is calling herself the Charles Barkley of figure skating. I was going to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” — Charles Barkley

15. “A virgin.” — Peter Crouch, when asked what he would be if he wasn’t a professional soccer player

16. “ is a simple game: 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes, and at the end, the Germans win.” — Gary Lineker

17. “I feel like I’m the best, but you’re not going to get me to say that.” — Jerry Rice

18. “When you’re rich, you don’t write checks. Straight cash, homie.” — Randy Moss

19. “They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.” — Oscar Gamble, former MLB outfielder

20. “I dunno. I never smoked any AstroTurf.” — Tug McGraw, on if he preferred grass or AstroTurf

21. “Because there are no fours.” — Antoine Walker, on why he shot so many 3-pointers

22. “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” — Joe Theismann

23. “I’m glad I don’t play anymore. I could never learn all of those handshakes.” — Phil Rizzuto

24. “I think I throw the ball as hard as anyone. The ball just doesn’t get there as fast.” — Eddie Bane

25. “I’d be willing to bet you, if I was a betting man, that I have never bet on baseball.” — Pete Rose

26. “If you’re not sure what to do with the ball, just pop it in the net and we’ll discuss your options afterward.” — Bill Shankly, former Liverpool manager, to one of his strikers

27. “The secret is to have eight great players and four others who will cheer like crazy.” — Jerry Tarkanian

28. “Vengeance is for God. I’m just here to play tennis.” — Serena Williams, when asked about avenging a 2002 loss to Kim Clijsters.

Sports Quotes About Winning

29. “Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.” — Vince Lombardi

30. “The key is not the will to win… everybody has that. It is the will to prepare to win that is important.” — Bobby Knight

31. “When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less.” — Paul Brown

32. “A champion is afraid of losing. Everyone else is afraid of winning.” — Billie Jean King

33. “Winning isn’t everything, but it beats anything that comes in second.” — Paul “Bear” Bryant

34. “Losing feels worse than winning feels good.” — Vin Scully

35. “Winning is the most important thing in my life, after breathing. Breathing first, winning next.”— George Steinbrenner

36. “For me, winning isn’t something that happens suddenly on the field when the whistle blows and the crowds roar. Winning is something that builds physically and mentally every day that you train and every night that you dream.” — Emmitt Smith

Sports Gambling Puns List

37. “No matter how much you’ve won, no matter how many games, no matter how many championships, no matter how many Super Bowls, you’re not winning now, so you stink.” — Bill Parcells

38. “Winning solves everything.” — Tiger Woods

39. “Victory is fleeting. Losing is forever.” — Billie Jean King

Sports Gambling Pros

Sports Gambling Puns Jokes

40. “I’ve never lost a game. I just ran out of time.” — Michael Jordan